lymeoutlyndsey

My journey through Lyme Disease- Healing my body and mind.

Miss-a-fun-a-phobia (MAFF) and How I Lost My iPhone

on June 22, 2013

Look at these smiling people on their bikes for the summer solstice at the top of a beautiful mountain with an incredible view of the ocean spotted with green islands on one side and a majestic volcano on the other.

Solstice ride

Don’t you want to be there?! Doesn’t it eat at you a little to NOT be there? THAT feeling, my friends, is called miss-a-fun-a-phobia (MAFF). Technically, the term was coined by my friend Nikki, but we all know what it means. It’s that moment when you see your friends post some awesome photos of somewhere amazing that they went doing something that looks like so much fun that you die a little inside because you aren’t there doing it. Oh, Facebook. This experience and knowledge is a large part of what motivated me to ride to the top of Galbraith Mountain yesterday, despite the fact that my body was SCREAMING at me to rest.

Every year, the mountain bike community in Bellingham does a summer solstice ride. People ride to the top of the mountain to a great spot in the sun and barbecue and drink adult beverages until the sun sets over the water below. This year was going to be even cooler, because after the sun set, there would be a super moon rising to light the way down the trails. Needless to say, I was pretty determined to be part of this experience. I was going to head up the hill as soon as I got off of work.

As my work day progressed, I started feeling worse and worse. This week has been pretty rough, because I started a new cyst-busting drug called Tinizadole. It has made me herx and just overall feel crappy. My liver and kidneys aren’t doing awesome right now (per my bloodwork last week) and it’s a time where I need to slow back down and listen more deeply to my body again. Which, is hard to do when I’ve been doing so well and charging forward and letting my “go-get-em” side of my personality take over once again. Since that is the part of me that had taken the reigns as of late, when I started to feel sick and my body started suggesting that maybe a bike ride tonight was a bad idea, my brain said “Oh, hell no. We are doing this ride, like it or not. I am dragging you to the top of the mountain and we WILL watch the beautiful sun set over the water and we WILL laugh and have fun with all of the awesome people who will surely be there. Afterwards, we will ride down the trails with the incredible moon overhead. No is not an option.”

I pushed onward and when I got off of work and got in my car to drive home, the dizziness began. To the point where driving seemed like a slightly questionable task. Not really bad, but maybe equivalent to driving home after happy hour. At this moment my body and brain have another conversation that goes something like this:

Body: “Maybe we should just rest on the couch for the evening”.

Brain: “Your freaking crazy. I’m not going to spend an incredible summer solstice on the COUCH. That is the lamest thing I could possibly do and would be a complete waste of a meaningful day.”

Body: “But we are so tired and dizzy already. Imagine how tired and dizzy we’ll be if we go ride. It’s really not a good idea. I mean, we almost rear-ended that person because you are so spacey.”

Brain: “RAWR! Would you shut up?! I’m not interested in your opinions right now. We are GOING on this ride. End of story.”

At this point, I think my body probably mumbled under its breath something like, “Okay, but you’ll be sorry A$$hole…”.

I charged onward and changed clothes to go ride, had a snack and took my second round of antibiotics, and went to load my bike into the truck. I bent down to load my bike and it’s like my muscles refused to work. Picking up my bike to put it in the truck was harder than it has been in a long time. A red flag appeared in my brain and another conversation took place:

Body: “You really need to listen to me. I am not feeling a bike ride today. If you’re going to be so stubborn, how about we just go to the beach or something?”

Brain: “Sigh. Yeah. Lifting my bike was really hard, and this dizziness is only getting worse. I’m having a hard time powering through it. Maybe we should just go to the beach. Or even just sit on the couch. This is too hard. But, think about all of those awesome photos that everyone is SURE to post on Facebook about how incredible the summer solstice ride was and think about how much you will wish you would’ve been there instead of laying there on the couch or your stupid yoga mat. No! We are not going to waste this evening on the couch. We are GOING!”

Body: *under its breath* “I need to find somebody that respects my opinions more. This is bullsh*t. After everything I do for you, this is the treatment I get…”

Brain: “What did you say?”

Body: “Nothing. I’m done here.”

~End of awkward and intense conversation~

So, I forced myself up the mountain and made it to the top. By the time I got to the top, my dizziness and fatigue was pretty intense, but my stubborn attitude had taken over and I was powering forward with a freaking smile on my face DAMMIT! It was the summer freaking solstice!

I saw the view and I saw the friends and suddenly I realized, as awesome as it was to be up there and as much as I would feel included when I saw the Facebook photos, it was so not worth it. The joint pain and muscle pain had started by then and I was feeling my body start to collapse. I’ve been in this territory before, and I knew that I had to get home as soon as possible to avoid a complete shut-down. I headed down the mountain before the sunset with my friend Asta, but my brain fog had taken over so much by this point, that the stupid argument it was having with my body earlier no longer mattered. I rode trails halfway down the mountain until my dizziness was so bad that riding trails was nowhere near safe. We coasted down the road the rest of the way and I did my best to stay as alert as possible. I made it to the truck and driving home was a struggle and possibly not a good idea, but I made it home. I really don’t remember the rest of the night very well. I know I made it to the shower and to bed, but it was nothing short of miserable. By the time I went to bed, the vibrating feeling had progressed to shaking and my body was so sensitive that I couldn’t handle Jason rubbing my back. In the midst of it all, I lost my cell phone, which is not surprising considering I lost my memory.

I’m bummed that I did this to myself, but I will give myself a little slack, since this journey is a process and no good process goes without some trial-and-error.

What I do know now more than ever is this: If you are ever confronted with MAFF, kick it to the freaking curb. Because no matter how amazing some not-to-be-missed event sounds or looks on Facebook, if it doesn’t align with your mind AND body, it will not be worth it. I promise you. It won’t.


4 responses to “Miss-a-fun-a-phobia (MAFF) and How I Lost My iPhone

  1. Misty says:

    Great post, Lynds. Mental toughness and self-compassion can really war with one another at times, eh? 🙂

  2. Katie Siegel says:

    I call it FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) I feel it all the time!

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